Coming Out

There are several stages in the process of coming out. It's your life so take your time - do things for yourself and only when you are ready. Coming out to yourself Acknowledging that you are gay can take many years. Some of us probably hoped these feelings were 'just a phase'. In time, we realise that these feelings are not going to go away and we have to find a way of accepting them and dealing with the fact that we are sexually attracted to members of our own sex. This realisation is the first stage of coming out. There is no hard and fast rule when this point is reached. For some it happens in their teens, for others it may happen much later in life. Some people describe this time of accepting their sexuality as being like riding an emotional roller-coaster. One day they felt happy and confident and ready to tell everyone; the next they felt confused, scared and relieved that they hadn't. You may want to talk to someone who understands what this is like. It's a nerve racking time - the fear of rejection is likely to be immense. Bear in mind that there are many ways to tell someone that you are gay. Coming out of the closet The next stage involves going public in some way, of coming out of the closet. Who you tell next is really up to you. You may decide to tell your best friend or a member of your family. Remember, once you have told someone about your sexuality it can become known to others within a short period. This is human nature and there is very little you can do to prevent it. Be prepared to deal with any negativity that this disclosure may bring. Why do I want to come out? This is the most important question to ask yourself. If you answer something like 'Because I'm proud of who I am or 'It is impossible to become a fully happy human being if my sexuality remains suppressed' or 'I want to meet other gay people' then these are good reasons. If you're doing it principally to shock or hurt people, think again. Often the person who gets hurt will be you. Who should I tell? Many gay people describe how important it is to tell someone outside the family first. Make sure it's someone you trust and whom you believe to be open minded and supportive. Be careful if you decide to confide in a teacher at school - they may be obliged to tell someone else what you have told them. Find out the school policy on confidentiality before you go ahead. If you have decided to tell your family it may be easier to talk to one parent before the other. You could then ask them for help in approaching the other. Sometimes brothers and sisters are a good starting point as they are likely to understand more about homosexuality or bisexuality. Make sure you understand why you are going to tell them. One of the best reasons to come out to your family is to become closer to them. There are a number of typical responses that parents, particularly, are known to say:

'How can you be sure?'

'I went through a phase like this at your age.'

'You'll grow out of it.'

'You haven't tried hard enough with the opposite sex.'

'How can you know at your age?' It's definitely worth thinking about how you respond to these questions before you tell anyone. You might find it helpful to discuss these questions first with a trusted friend or a lesbian and gay helpline or switchboard. There may also be a local gay youth group in your area. This online advice guide is an extract from the book TOGETHER, by kind permission of Patriic Gayle and Gay Times Books. The book itself is over 300 pages long and contains:

several chapters more useful advice and information

more in-depth information in some chapters

more pictures and tables

further contacts at the end of each chapter

a comprehensive listing of gay and health organisations Described by Qx magazine as a 'Gay Bible', Together Book is a practical reference work no bookshelf should be without.

Available from Prowler Stores and all good bookshops, or click the link below for price and ordering details. a practical reference work no bookshelf should be without.

Available from Prowler Stores and all good bookshops, or click the link below for price and ordering details.

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