Coming out to your family

This can be a traumatic time for some members of your family. You may feel unable to answer all their questions or to deal with all of the issues that come up for them. They, in turn, may not feel comfortable talking about homosexuality or bisexuality with you. Information for parents is available and there are several organisations that offer support to parents who are coming to terms with their sons' and daughters' sexuality. Details can be found at the end of this chapter. This can be a difficult time if your happiness is dependent to some degree on your family's reaction. If this is the case for you, we would advise that you talk it over with someone who has been through it already - perhaps a gay switchboard or helpline. How should I tell them? There is no rule that says you have to sit down and talk to others about this; there are other ways. You might like to write to people first and give them time to react in their own way. This is probably a better approach if, for example, you live a long way from your family or friends. Remember that you have probably taken a long time to get used to the idea yourself and others might need the same amount of time. Writing a letter allows you to take your time and to compose your thoughts carefully and clearly. It can also give the person you are writing to space to react and consider the news before discussing it with you. This could be a useful approach if you are expecting a very hostile or negative reaction. If you decide to talk face to face, remember not to rush it or to do it when one of you is in a hurry or distracted. It probably won't help to memorise a script either - you can guarantee that some people do not respond in a predictable manner. If you are worried about their reaction, tell them of your fears and that you don't want to hurt them but need to be honest with them. Remember to listen to what they have to say - it should be along the lines of a chat, not a speech or a performance, unless you've rehearsed! When shall I tell them? As with everything in life, timing is everything. Choose the moment carefully - do it when you (and they) have lots of time - not last thing at night when you are likely to be more tired and emotional. Think about the way you are feeling, allowing for nerves, which are perfectly natural under the circumstances. Don't do it if you are feeling angry or emotionally sensitive - this will affect what you say and how you say it. For obvious reasons don't do it when you are drunk (even if you think you need a drink to steady your nerves). And remember - only when you are good and ready. A friend once said that he knew he was ready to tell his family only when he realised that, if he had to, he could live without their support. Fortunately for him (and his family) this didn't happen. This online advice guide is an extract from the book TOGETHER, by kind permission of Patriic Gayle and Gay Times Books. The book itself is over 300 pages long and contains:

several chapters more useful advice and information

more in-depth information in some chapters

more pictures and tables

further contacts at the end of each chapter

a comprehensive listing of gay and health organisations Described by Qx magazine as a 'Gay Bible', Together Book is a practical reference work no bookshelf should be without.

Available from Prowler Stores and all good bookshops, or click the link below for price and ordering details.

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