Chatting up

The key to chatting up a guy is patience but, since we're usually thinking with our dicks and driven by an uncontrollable urge to shift our load by morning, we can move very fast. Unfortunately, this can be at the expense of some common sense stuff that can help a first meeting get off to a flying start. On some of the larger scenes we can also compromise our chances: if one guy doesn't fit the bill within a nanosecond, we move on to the next. This sort of behaviour can become habitual and you'll miss out on some great men. It can often be attributed to the 'me, me, me scene queen' who tends to lose out in the end through his impatience and selfishness. Unless you're carving notches on the bed post, it's the quality not the quantity that counts. How we connect with other men varies enormously but if you like someone let him know. If you don't he'll never know what he's missing. The looks... the glances... the 'ballet' to find better vantage points (from which to see or be seen) or to engineer a close encounter are all part of the ritual to reduce the possibility of rejection. We often aim to find a balance between showing interest, casually ignoring him and making our intentions clear. Eventually though, you should do something about it, if only to spare yourself the nagging doubt as you go home alone. Many of us have developed our own individual styles of chatting to and picking up men and so the following suggestions may seem contrived. But, if you go through the following points, you'll probably pick at least one thing you could do better (apart from him).

Everyone has an opening line and it's not as if we haven't heard them all before - particularly the crap ones. Even if it's terrible, you've plucked up to courage to say 'Hi!' and that's more than he's done if he's just standing there waiting for you to make the first move. However, just for the record, here are a few chat-up lines that didn't quite work out as intended: 'Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?' 'It's a gun.' 'What would it take to get a kiss from you?' 'Chloroform.' 'My friends have told me about you...' 'What friends?' 'What's your idea of a perfect date?' 'The one I was having before you came over.' 'Got a light?' 'Yes.'

In the first instance, conversation should be easy-going and relaxed and any questions should be relatively straightforward. If you start with something clever or devastatingly witty you may catch him off guard or put him on the spot. He may then feel he needs to match you and if he's shy or out of practice then you've immediately put him at a disadvantage. On the other hand, some guys do it to sort out the men from the boys, so if it works for you do it - but you know the risks.

Your voice should be friendly confident and relaxed - not pushy, smarmy or over-eager.

Find out his name, remember it, use it every now then and don't forget it.

Keep the eye contact going.

Get him to talk about himself but don't turn it into an interrogation or forget that you're part of this too.

If you don't want to talk to him be polite, firm and honest.

Consider your body language and observe his. Unless he's been explicit about what he wants, don't get too close in the first instance. Believe it or not we all need some time to get accustomed to being in each other's space. Instinct and practice will let you know when it's time to get closer, particularly if his hand wanders on to your arse or crotch. Mirroring each other's body language can also help relax you both. For example, taking a drink when he drinks, lighting up when he has a cigarette, and re-positioning yourself when he does generates a comfortable rhythm between you. Mind you, it needs to be casual - not a comedy routine. You're the weakest link, goodbye! Indications that you're not onto a winner usually include minimal eye contact and/or his eyes scanning men other than you, one word replies, the tone of his voice, an unwillingness to initiate or respond to conversation. If he turns you down, don't necessarily think that it's you; it could be for a number of reasons:

He's already got plans.

He's drunk.

He's got a boyfriend.

He's just broken up.

He's just had sex.

He's nervous or shy.

He's not in the mood.

He's off on his drugs.

He's not good enough for you.

He's got an STI.

Maybe you just don't turn him on. This online advice guide is an extract from the book TOGETHER, by kind permission of Patriic Gayle and Gay Times Books. The book itself is over 300 pages long and contains:

several chapters more useful advice and information

more in-depth information in some chapters

more pictures and tables

further contacts at the end of each chapter

a comprehensive listing of gay and health organisations Described by Qx magazine as a 'Gay Bible', Together Book is a practical reference work no bookshelf should be without.

Available from Prowler Stores and all good bookshops, or click the link below for price and ordering details.

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