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Relationships Part 2

Like everything in life, relationships change. Be grateful: it would be a sorry world if Westlife were still in the charts ten years from now or flared jeans were permanently fashionable. The first year or so of a relationship is usually very special: you still want him all the time, you're fucking like rabbits, and you're both very happy. Over time this changes and usually not for the worse. You will still want him but it's okay that he's not attached to your hip, the sheets are changed less often but the sex has got better through trust, experimentation and familiarity, and the happiness has found a home inside you. As the relationship grows you will need to be willing to accept change, be flexible in your approach and in some cases, take the initiative before you get stuck in a rut. As you and he grow as individuals it's likely that expectations and priorities will also change. Your lives together may become predictable, safe and dull and - while this may be okay for some - there is ample room for resentment, disappointment and missed opportunities. Being your own man Being in a relationship should not mean that you give up who you are. You are both individuals with your own personality, friends, and interests - some of the very attributes that attracted him to you in the first place. The differences between you should be appreciated and save you from becoming two archetypal clones with matching clothes and whiny lovey-dovey voices. Get the picture? We all need that 20th century cliché 'space' where we can be by ourselves and enjoy some privacy. It's perfectly natural and gives us an opportunity to chill out and relax. Relationships can be fantastic but are also hard work. Time alone is essential to re-charge the batteries. It may mean a night apart or an evening set aside to see respective friends. Whatever you decide remember that you'll be doing this because you care for each other not because you don't. If you can't leave your partner alone, it's a sign that you are feeling insecure and/or jealous. You may have good reason but that's no reason to behave like this. It's a real killer and a sure fire way to drive him away. You need to look at why you're doing this and take it from there. If, on the other hand, you feel trapped, suffocated or resentful then you also need to examine the root cause. You need to sit down and talk things through before you get angry and upset. If not, you'll get on each other's nerves: one will feel that the other doesn't love him while the other one runs away from his 'clingy' boyfriend. Couch relationship? Relationships run the risk of becoming too comfortable, easy and predictable. You start to take each other for granted, make assumptions and become lazy. All relationships need a work-out occasionally. It doesn't have to be anything major but it does need to blow away the cobwebs away and get your hearts beating again. Surprise him with a weekend break or a holiday (then both panic when you can't find the passport). Tell him how you've longed to be strapped to the showerhead. If you're used to cinemas - go to a theatre. If you go to theatre - go to a gallery. If you always go to one club - choose another. Do stuff on the spur of the moment. If you're used to lying in bed on a Sunday, why not visit a market or jump on a train and while you're there - suck him off. This online advice guide is an extract from the book TOGETHER, by kind permission of Patriic Gayle and Gay Times Books. The book itself is over 300 pages long and contains:
  • several chapters more useful advice and information
  • more in-depth information in some chapters
  • more pictures and tables
  • further contacts at the end of each chapter
  • a comprehensive listing of gay and health organisations Described by Qx magazine as a 'Gay Bible', Together Book is a practical reference work no bookshelf should be without.

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