Relationship difficulties

We wouldn't be human if our relationships didn't have difficulties and problems and many of them are simply part and parcel of being together. The secret is to tackle them early before they fester and resentment builds up. However, some behaviour - by either of you - can indicate deeper and more serious problems. While the list is virtually endless, here are some typical examples:

Bad moods, disagreements and rows.

Being argumentative or deliberately contradicting each other.

Monosyllabic conversations or the silent treatment.

Sniping and backstabbing when out with friends.

Being demanding and bossy.

Interrupting privacy and space.

Long work hours at the expense of the relationship.

Resistance to touch, cuddles and hugs.

Noticeably less sex, or hurried, emotionless sex.

Abuse of drugs and alcohol.

Refusal to return calls or take messages.

Failure to keep appointments and agreements, eg regarding open relationships.

Moving out! Being in love can skew your judgement, and while the shit has been hitting the fan on a regular basis we can be oblivious to the fact that something is wrong. In the end, if you don't work it out for yourself nothing gets sorted out. We tend to be optimistic and reluctant to admit shortcomings, eager to rationalise or forgive inappropriate and destructive behaviour. Before long, we can't see the wood for the trees. Even if we do recognise there is a problem our ability to act can be hindered by a fear of losing him, being lonely (again) and throwing away everything we've built up together. One of the most difficult things to do is to get him into a frame of mind where he will tell you what's wrong, so that you can work towards a solution together. If you're the one being the arsehole then you've got to get through the anger and resentment before you can start making things better. Rescuing relationships

Deal with the difficulty or problem as soon as it arises - don't let it fester.

When you're ready to talk avoid airports, football matches or pubs. Choose a place that provides privacy, quiet and gives you space. A neutral location is often best.

Stay calm and adopt non-threatening body language.

Tell him what you think the difficulty is without being accusing. It's the things people do that are the problem and not the people themselves.

Avoid embarrassment or humiliation.

Be honest, straightforward but tactful and remember that you're here to save the relationship - not to get your own back.

Listen... listen... listen.

Acknowledge his perspective even though you may not agree with his point of view.

Reassure him that you want the relationship to work.

Give him time to talk and listen to what he has to say.

Be prepared for him to be critical of you and recognise that the difficulty may also lie with you.

Sometimes these talks don't find solutions in one go and accept there may be limitations to what you can achieve initially. Be clear that you both need to continue the discussion at a later date.

If you are able to find a solution, make sure you both understand what it entails and agree to it.

If you love him, say so. If you can be affectionate ,be so.

Afterwards you may be physically and emotionally drained. If you need to take a day off work, do it.

Remember that solutions can take time and may raise other problems. Take it a step at a time.

Don't just jump back into bed as a quick fix solution and at the expense of resolving problems fully. This online advice guide is an extract from the book TOGETHER, by kind permission of Patriic Gayle and Gay Times Books. The book itself is over 300 pages long and contains:

several chapters more useful advice and information

more in-depth information in some chapters

more pictures and tables

further contacts at the end of each chapter

a comprehensive listing of gay and health organisations Described by Qx magazine as a 'Gay Bible', Together Book is a practical reference work no bookshelf should be without.

Available from Prowler Stores and all good bookshops, or click the link below for price and ordering details.

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