Breaking up

If all efforts to solve relationship difficulties fail, you will need to decide whether you wish to finish it. Take your time, perhaps talk to a friend - preferably one who doesn't hate his guts and won't just agree with you. In the final analysis you will need to ask yourself: will I be happier with him in or out of my life? If you decide to finish the relationship:

Tell him face-to-face, difficult though this may be for both of you.

Try and stay calm and adopt non-threatening body language.

Tell him that you want the relationship to end and explain the reasons.

Avoid embarrassment, humiliation or blame.

Be honest, straightforward but tactful.

Give him time to talk and listen to what he has to say.

Remember: he might try to persuade you to stay, so you need to be clear that you have reached the best decision you can before talking to him. If you start wavering, you could be open to accusations of emotional blackmail or 'crying wolf'.

Own what you say and the decisions you take. Some relationships work, others don't, many reach a natural conclusion. It's best that we recognise it and move on rather than being swallowed up by unhappiness, boredom and resentment. Some relationships are short but have been bursting with life while others simply rumble on interminably - a marriage of convenience devoid of warmth and love. So before you throw your hands up in despair try and recognise that it is the quality of a relationship that matters most, not necessarily its length. Eventually though, it's often changes in our emotional, physical, and spiritual needs - combined with other interests and lifestyles - which outgrow relationships however hard we have tried. Gay men have a remarkable capacity to remain close friends with their ex-partners and if there is a possibility of bringing a relationship to a civil close, do so. However, don't feel you have to. Discuss your feelings, remember the good times, reflect on the not-so-good times. Tie up any practical matters, eg property, furniture, personal possessions, and legal/money matters. Recognise that breaking up is hard and can be very emotional but ending a relationship on an even note makes its much easier to let go and move on. It will be at times like these that your friends are all-important. Good friends are a selfless bunch and you'll be able to be wistful, whinge and cry your little heart out. Mind you, some won't miss the opportunity to say something like '...what you need is a man' or '...you'll get over it.' Just slap them and cross them off your Christmas card list. When the relationship is over

If it hurts: let it hurt - it's okay to miss him but you will get by.

What's done is done and you can't change the past.

It's okay to miss him but you will get by.

Recognise that he is not your responsibility any more. Make a clean break and don't allow him to creep in through the back door.

You may want to take some time off the scene. If not, recognise that you may be vulnerable.

Sometimes, it can be many months before you feel able to even consider another commitment. There's nothing wrong with that.

You have gained valuable experience: use it positively. If mistakes were made, learn from them.

Don't mope about at home - get out and about, have a meal with friends, go on holiday.

Exercise and sports are a great way of burning off the calories and the angst.

Don't look for blame or blame yourself.

Hold on to the good times and the positive aspects of the relationship. He's a bastard! Putting aside the caring and sharing stuff for the moment... he could just have been a complete bastard. Sometimes the anger, hurt and resentment we feel towards an ex-boyfriend can be overwhelming, particularly if he has really fucked you over and there's nothing you can do about it. It can be months sometimes years before it seems to matter less and then an unexpected reminder can bring it flooding back. However right it feels to be angry, these feelings will have an impact on new relationships and will use up emotional energy that could be better used making yourself a happier and healthier life without him. Sometimes the sweetest victory is using a painful experience to rebuild your life and - if you see him again - let him know it... with a smile. Lastly, if you seem to end up with all the bastards, you should examine why. Talk it through with a trusted friend, contact a helpline or consider seeking professional help. This online advice guide is an extract from the book TOGETHER, by kind permission of Patriic Gayle and Gay Times Books. The book itself is over 300 pages long and contains:

several chapters more useful advice and information

more in-depth information in some chapters

more pictures and tables

further contacts at the end of each chapter

a comprehensive listing of gay and health organisations Described by Qx magazine as a 'Gay Bible', Together Book is a practical reference work no bookshelf should be without.

Available from Prowler Stores and all good bookshops, or click the link below for price and ordering details.

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