Healthy on the inside

It's one thing to find a man - it's a bonus to discover that he wants to spend time with you. It's miraculous that the sex is just what you both want but are you ready? We buy the right clothes, cut our hair, exercise, shave and tan ourselves into oblivion, immerse our skin in creams and lotions and decorate our homes... even the cat leaves the bedroom at the appropriate signal. But while we spend time, effort and money to look our best it can often be at the expense of preparing ourselves from the inside. If you're not happy by yourself - in yourself - then you're not going to feel much better with someone else. In fact you'll be trading one set of problems for another and dragging someone else into the crap. The axiom that you can't love others until you love yourself is very true, but equally you can't receive love unless you feel at one with yourself. Particularly on the scene, we're constantly comparing ourselves with other gay men and that's where all self-esteem and self-worth stuff gets in the way. It keeps us from seeing ourselves as whole people preferring instead something better, younger, more handsome, better built and more together - not forgetting that extra inch or two. Consequently, our self-esteem plummets, we fill the space with self doubt and question our ability to become involved with other men. You will probably recognise some of the things we do to avoid giving and receiving tenderness, affection and love:

Iain focuses on his weaknesses instead of his strengths, his bad points rather than his good ones. He thinks that he doesn't deserve to be happy and when he finds a man convinces himself that it's all going to go pear-shaped. The negativity can be so strong and his sense of self worth so low that he undermines whatever good things he's got going for him.

Tim is lonely but gets himself a man - and is happy. But, as things start to get serious he finds excuses as to why his boyfriend isn't right. When hunting, he's upfront with other men but can also turn cruel to test his lover's devotion. You can never show him enough love and he's always finding new hurdles for you clamber over. Typically, you'll say 'I love you' and he'll say 'who are you trying to kid.'

Carl thinks he's inadequate as a friend and boyfriend, and doesn't deserve love, intimacy or companionship. He keeps his distance, never letting anyone get too close. This makes him feel very lonely. He tries to make things better with anonymous backroom sex but complains that's all that gay men want. You'd think that Carl had it all going for him but as he sleeps his way across town he's constantly looking to others to confirm that he's good, worthwhile, attractive and lovable.

Andreas is charming, funny, intelligent and would make someone a great boyfriend, but all of this just goes out the window when he's out clubbing. All he sees are beautiful men with washboard stomachs and buns to die for; all he can think of is that he's fat and unattractive. In reality he could lose some weight but he gets so depressed by this one issue he can't bring himself to diet or exercise. Consequently, he feels increasingly isolated each time he goes out.

Matthew always seems to know what you need and insists on getting it for you... a cup of tea, tickets to that film you've been meaning to see, or weekend drugs. Nothing is too much trouble but he gives so much that he ignores his own needs. He doesn't think well enough of himself to enjoy sex but will do anything to please you. He's nervous about being touched, moves away after you've cum and tends to play the martyr.

Massimo doesn't think anything he has to say is important. If he does tell you how he feels, he's frightened that you won't like him for him - a lovely guy who just doesn't know it. This fear of rejection is 'protecting' him from getting close to anyone, but while he doesn't have to show his true feelings he's thoroughly miserable by himself.

Brian knows what makes you feel bad about yourself and never lets you forget it. He's the first to embarrass you in front of friends and broadcast your failed sexual exploits. This brittle screaming queen can only feel good about himself at the expense of others. Consequently, he has a never-ending stream of fair-weather friends who stay just long enough to be mauled by his malicious sense of humour. Hemlock pales beside this bitch and he'd rather take it than admit that he is unhappy and intensely lonely. No matter how often someone tells you that he finds you attractive or that he cares, you cannot quite believe it. In fact, the more honest and genuine the compliment the more painful it can be to accept. This is not to say that you can't love or don't love, but getting yourself into mental and emotional shape helps raise your self esteem and replaces self doubt with positive thoughts and feelings. This online advice guide is an extract from the book TOGETHER, by kind permission of Patriic Gayle and Gay Times Books. The book itself is over 300 pages long and contains:

several chapters more useful advice and information

more in-depth information in some chapters

more pictures and tables

further contacts at the end of each chapter

a comprehensive listing of gay and health organisations Described by Qx magazine as a 'Gay Bible', Together Book is a practical reference work no bookshelf should be without.

Available from Prowler Stores and all good bookshops, or click the link below for price and ordering details.

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