What to do
Surround yourself with good friends and dump the ones who put you down or use you as a punch- bag. Being with the wrong people who don't love you for who you are can damage your self-image and do more harm than practically anything else.
Sit down and write out what makes you a good guy and what points you would like to change or improve. Aim to tackle them in turn and set yourself realistic goals to achieve them.
If you can relate to one or more of the characterisations above, talk it through with a trusted friend, counsellor or therapist. There is nothing shameful or embarrassing about doing this. You've recognised a potential problem and are prepared to deal with it. This a strength, not a weakness.
If you have family, childhood or (ex) boyfriend stuff which makes you unhappy or depressed, talk it through with a counsellor or therapist or maybe a trusted friend. Again, these are healthy and positive steps to take.
Get enough sleep, manage your stress effectively and learn to relax.
Take regular exercise and eat sensibly.
Being assertive
Assertiveness should be about feeling, understanding and believing that you matter in your friendships, relationships, at work and at play. For some gay men claiming the same rights as everyone else can be hard. It's also about breaking patterns of behaviour and can take time.
We aren't always treated equally by the law or society in general, though things are getting better. Despite these improvements, a background of discrimination might make you feel you have no rights at all - even within our own community. Wrong! You do have rights - though sometimes the way gay people treat each other you'd be forgiven for thinking otherwise. Wouldn't it be great if we were treated with respect by other people and, in turn, felt able to respect them. This is the part of what assertiveness is about. It's also about building your own self-respect and dealing with your own feelings. Would you like to:
Increase your self-confidence?
Be clear and direct?
Be properly understood?
Feel better because you've expressed your feelings?
Stand a better chance of getting what you want?
Have fewer situations that are unresolved?
Be treated as an equal?
This is what being assertive can achieve. It's not achieved by being aggressive, we don't need to act like steam rollers. Being passive will not help us get what we want either. When we are passive in situations, we don't express our feelings. This builds up anger and frustration inside us until finally we blow up over a tiny thing. We often feel bad after this outburst and revert to being passive again. Being assertive can help you break out of this circle of passive to aggressive behaviour. Being assertive can use up a lot of energy. You don't have to keep it up 24 hours a day. Go slow. Take it easy and choose your moment. The decision is yours.
This online advice guide is an extract from the book TOGETHER, by kind permission of Patriic Gayle and Gay Times Books. The book itself is over 300 pages long and contains:
several chapters more useful advice and information
more in-depth information in some chapters
more pictures and tables
further contacts at the end of each chapter
a comprehensive listing of gay and health organisations
Described by Qx magazine as a 'Gay Bible', Together Book is a practical reference work no bookshelf should be without.
Available from Prowler Stores and all good bookshops, or click the link below for price and ordering details.
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