'I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.'

There are no magic words or set phrases for being assertive. However, there are several vital ingredients in becoming more assertive: 1 Listen - even when the person is expressing strong feelings or being aggressive. 2 Demonstrate understanding - not by using the stock phrase 'I understand how you feel' but by referring to what you have heard. For example: 'you seem angry and disappointed.' 3 Say what you think and feel how the situation is affecting you - take responsibility for your feelings. Be clear about what has given rise to your feelings and attribute them to the event or the behaviour - not the person. For example: 'I feel upset and hurt that you left me at the club when you said you would give me a lift home.' 4 Say specifically what you want to happen- this minimises the chances of being misunderstood and increases the possibility of getting it. It doesn't guarantee you will get what you want. Listen to the response you get and be prepared for the person to have a different point of view. 5 If you need to negotiate, consider the consequences for you and others of any joint solutions where both of you are satisfied, rather than make a compromise where neither of you get what you want. Don't give in to passive or aggressive behaviour at this point - you're nearly there. Right, now here's the hard bit. Think about whether you're happy with your lot. What about...

Having friends and relationships around you that matter.

A job you enjoy and puts some money in your pocket.

A home where you're happy and where you can relax.

Getting the medical and health services you want or need.

Getting he sex you want.

Disclosing your HIV status.

Dealing with the gay scene. Try writing down real situations where you would like to be more assertive. Use a variety of situations that aren't frightening but which you'd still like to deal with better. Build up to more difficult situations that you encounter or are avoiding. Then, working through the five points listed above note down possible assertive approaches to these problems and, if you need to initiate the conversation, start from point 3. Practise saying them in your head before you try it out for real. Remember that words on their own do not convey an assertive message. Communication researchers have found that only 7% of a message is based around the words you say, 38% of the message comes from the tone of your voice, and 55% comes from your appearance or body language. Your words, voice tone and body language should all say 'I'm confident and your equal, I expect to be treated with respect..' This online advice guide is an extract from the book TOGETHER, by kind permission of Patriic Gayle and Gay Times Books. The book itself is over 300 pages long and contains:

several chapters more useful advice and information

more in-depth information in some chapters

more pictures and tables

further contacts at the end of each chapter

a comprehensive listing of gay and health organisations Described by Qx magazine as a 'Gay Bible', Together Book is a practical reference work no bookshelf should be without.

Available from Prowler Stores and all good bookshops, or click the link below for price and ordering details.

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