Age and the gay scene

There is no doubt that the gay scene and gay media play a role in making older gay men feel unwelcome. Many younger gay men (particularly in their teens, 20s and 30s) have a distorted view of what it means to be older, often equating it with becoming less attractive, an inability to get or have sex, and leading a sad and sorry life. Younger gay men also assume that because older gay men are not like them - or don't look like them - they cannot be happy. Some men resent older gay men on the scene and scorn their efforts when they try to make conversation. Of course there will always be a few older gay men who just want one thing! But, as a rule, younger gay men make arrogant and simplistic assumptions about what older gay men want and are rarely able to see beyond their own prejudice and vanity. Not surprisingly we don't see so many older gay men on the scene. This is because - in many ways - it's served its purpose and is no longer of any use to them. They have simply grown up, moved on and have got themselves a different and more varied life. Since first impressions and appearance are often the factors which determine whether we approach men, what older men have to offer is sometimes not immediately apparent. The deeper qualities are more likely to emerge over a drink, a meal or a one-to-one encounter. But if this is not what you want, it costs nothing to be polite and courteous when declining. Of course, you will see men in their late 50s, 60s and 70s who still use the scene, and while it may be difficult for some men to understand their motivation, it's perfectly possible that they're happy, well-adjusted and getting on with their lives. You'll probably also find that they won't be making the kind of crass and juvenile assumptions younger gay men make about them. Age differences A five-to-ten-year age difference between partners is not unusual and can add a valuable dimension to relationships. However, if you find that your relationships are short-lived, or just don't materialise, you should carefully examine the reasons why a younger or older partner is important to you. Major sources of disagreement between partners with 15 or more years between them can range from money, holidays, and careers to socialising, food and even the little things like when you go to bed! Attempting to realise a desire or fantasy for a much older or younger lover is often disappointing and unhealthy (for both of you). Although healthy relationships between older and younger men do exist and can work - you should think carefully before embarking on what might be a fruitless quest. This online advice guide is an extract from the book TOGETHER, by kind permission of Patriic Gayle and Gay Times Books. The book itself is over 300 pages long and contains:

several chapters more useful advice and information

more in-depth information in some chapters

more pictures and tables

further contacts at the end of each chapter

a comprehensive listing of gay and health organisations Described by Qx magazine as a 'Gay Bible', Together Book is a practical reference work no bookshelf should be without.

Available from Prowler Stores and all good bookshops, or click the link below for price and ordering details.

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