After an HIV positive diagnosis

Everyone's experience of living with HIV is different. As the news sinks in and you start to come terms with what it means, you may feel like being by yourself or with your partner, chatting with a close friend or someone at the clinic where you received your diagnosis. There are also groups where you can share your experiences with other newly diagnosed gay men, although you won't necessarily ask the same questions or all go through the same feelings and emotions. 'I feel so lonely...', 'I'm so relieved...', and 'there's just so much to think about...' are not unusual responses. And, '...am I going to die?'... 'who gave me it to me?'... 'what am I going to do now?' and '...who should I tell?' are commonly asked questions. The quick answers are 'yes'... 'why does it matter?'...'take your time' and 'no one until you are ready.' But you will also learn that the answers to these and other questions are not necessary black or white, right or wrong, or good or bad. Take things at your own pace. Don't rush into taking decisions or allow yourself to be coerced or bullied into doing things you may later regret. Most things can wait for a while, this includes talking to you family or partner, seeking proper advice before telling your employer (though as a rule you're encouraged not to) or leaving your job and becoming destitute. For some HIV positive gay men, telling others about their status can be as traumatic as coming out as gay. It is important to think carefully about who you want to tell and why. Once you have told someone about being HIV positive, you cannot take the information back. Coming out is a very personal process and should be your choice. Obviously, it can feel very natural to want to tell your partner and/or your family immediately but the response may not be what you expect. It certainly doesn't help to be dealing with other people's crap while still sorting out your own. If, however, you have decided to come out, the following may be helpful:

Be aware that telling people may affect you more than you think and they may not react in the way you expect.

Don't ell people if you don't want them to tell others.

Try and prepare yourself for the questions they may ask or the issues they may bring up.

Try and choose the right time and place. People have different reasons for coming out. For some it may be to get support or health care whilst others might want their sexual partner(s) to know. Not telling someone about your diagnosis might prevent you getting the support, advice and services that are appropriate to your needs. Whatever reaction you get to coming out, being positive is nothing to be ashamed of. This online advice guide is an extract from the book TOGETHER, by kind permission of Patriic Gayle and Gay Times Books. The book itself is over 300 pages long and contains:

several chapters more useful advice and information

more in-depth information in some chapters

more pictures and tables

further contacts at the end of each chapter

a comprehensive listing of gay and health organisations Described by Qx magazine as a 'Gay Bible', Together Book is a practical reference work no bookshelf should be without.

Available from Prowler Stores and all good bookshops, or click the link below for price and ordering details.

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